Exposure
by NoxFox
Summary: How is he meant to stop the 8 o' clock trip, when he needs it so badly?


Beer pooled around the base of the glass, having liberally sloshed over the sides as its owner placed it down, in an almost perfect 'o' formation, like a puddle whose centre has been removed. The beer-drinker in question felt like his core had been removed some time ago. He watched as the froth slid slowly down the glass and onto the table, wondering if this was his fifth or maybe…

'Eight pints Thor and on your own as well.' Sif strolled into the unusually empty tavern, though it was only 11 in the morning.

'Hello Sif,' Thor managed with an outward jovial manner to equal his inward depressed state. He was good at disguising things. Loki wasn't the only one who had a silver tongue when he needed one. Thor just managed to keep the sarcasm out of his comments more successfully and instead chose to add them in his head.

'Celebrating? Drinking your sorrows? Reminiscing over that shag you had with Loki last night?' Sif joked.

Thor was just taking another gulp from his glass and had to take all manner of precautions to prevent himself choking on it, as he gave an awkward half-grunt, half-snort, when she had given her last rhetorical comment. He knew she was joking but she didn't know that he wouldn't be.

'Oh by far the latter Sif. We were gambolling about like lions last night. I hope I'm not with child.' He snorted, still trying to clear his airway fully. He felt like he'd snorted half of his drink into his airway.

'That's extremely amusing Thor but you know that I am-'

'I know your concerns Sif and I am dealing with them. If you are prepared to let your petty jealousy over Jane get in the way of our friendship then I suggest you reconsider your stance, or withhold your opinions.'

Sif glared at Thor and strode from the room, trying and failing to disguise her tears. He hadn't meant to utter the last sentence but every time she came on at him about how down he was, or how he should perhaps go out for an evening with Volstagg, he felt anger rising up in him. She wasn't the only one who had problems. Still he was filled with regret and got up to follow her.

'Sif?' He jogged outside the tavern, where the light was startlingly bright and caught her arm, 'I'm truly sorry. I'm just dealing with myself at the moment. I don't want to drag you down into my problems. That is all.'

Sif's face was now blotchy and she looked torn between resentment and making it up with him.

'I forgive you. I'll stop asking about your feelings or visiting you, if you feel it is destructive to our friendship.' Her words came out guarded but stung Thor's conscience like knives. He had time to briefly touch her on the arm before she once again headed off, without glancing backwards.

People were milling around the shops. It was the height of summer, which meant that the merchant's pockets would be full as a result of the people's happiness. Children were laughing and chasing each other around the fountain, playing games with sacred rules. Not to be broken. If only when you grew up things were in such high contrast with the perfect exposure. Like the picture of Jane, which Thor kept under his pillow. So perfect.

On the other hand, Thor felt overexposed, blotchy. He hated the responsibility he had been given by Odin. The high expectations the people in all of the known realms now had of him. Things had seemed so much simpler when he and Loki had been younger. Thor had always been popular from a young age but it had felt effortless. He had never been alone as a child. Of course he hadn't. He was the All-Father's golden son. His popularity came by association. He hadn't had to earn it then.

Now he was an adult (he neglected to add the responsible part) he had learnt that he had to make the rules, choose which ones to obey. Who to trust. How to act. It wasn't in a big manual. It wasn't like when he was in school and he assumed that adults were on some kind of a different plane with endless masses of knowledge. He was now an adult and he felt like he was acting the part. He had to get back in control somehow. He needed Jane. He wanted to be able to talk to Sif but he didn't want her judgement. She was too good at reading between the lines. Then there was Loki.

The eighth chime of the clock was just striking, as Thor left his chambers. He had promised himself that he wouldn't tonight. That tonight he would be strong. Tonight would be the night when his thoughts would stop racing and he would calmly get into bed at a sensible time. Instead he needed to distract himself in a bid to throw off his feelings of restlessness and helplessness.

Reaching the fifth door down in the opposite wing to his, he tentatively reached out for the door handle. The time of night meant that most of the inhabitants of the palace would still be at dinner or perhaps relaxing and playing cards. The room he planned on entering was not a stone's throw from the library. He knocked once and entered, immediately feeling calmer stepping into his brother's chamber.

'Back again are we?' Loki smirked, stepping out from shadows, 'This _is_ getting to be a nasty habit; is it not Thor?'

Thor didn't give a verbal answer but instead, reached Loki in two strides and pressed him against the wall, breathing in his bookish scent, like pure oxygen; it made him feel giddy. He flicked his eyes up to the emerald green ones, holding his frame like it was a life support machine. Thor could see the glee, making Loki's eyes twinkle mischievously, though the rest of his brother's face remained impassive. He enjoyed it as much as Thor did. Loki relished Thor's need for him. For the first time that day Thor felt alive.

Their exchanges usually occurred at the same time every evening. They were brief. Hands brushed over uncovered flesh, desperately grasping for something to cling onto. They ravaged each other. The entanglement of their bodies was such that Loki's leg could have been Thor's; Thor's arm entwined around Loki's. They were like ivy, totally and utterly covering one another, living off their hosts but simultaneously suffocating them. They were like an underexposed picture. One shape, blurred together.

The first time it happened was six months ago. Drink had been involved. They'd been sitting on opposite sides of the room at a feast but their eyes never left each other. Loki rose to head back to his chamber and Thor followed him. Halfway back Loki turned around and somehow they'd made a silent treaty. Loki had continued down the corridor, Thor a few paces behind in case anyone walked past. As soon as the door was shut they dropped their clothes and devoured far more of each other that night than they had eaten at the feast.

The next time was three months later. It was the first time Thor had completely fallen out with Sif. He was angry; he needed a distraction. At dinner that night, he looked at Loki for the first time since the feast. Guilt had prevented him from looking at him after their first encounter. However, Loki had immediately met his eyes in a knowing manner, as if he'd been waiting for Thor to ask him the question. The silent contract was hastily signed once more and this time it was more raw, more desperate than before. Loki reciprocated as much as Thor gave.

Since then their gatherings had increased exponentially. The more Thor felt upset or angry the more frequently he went, even if that meant changing the shifts of the guards' patrols so that they didn't see him near Loki's chambers more than once a month. The worries were beginning to build up: Sif, pressure to lead from Odin, missing Jane, wanting to help all the realms. There was several worlds worth of weight on his shoulders. He struggled to go more than a week or so without carrying out the familiar 8 o' clock trip past the library and into the room where he could escape. Loki never invited him, nor did Thor enquire. Yet somehow they agreed.

Right now Thor's focus was on Loki's neck. He covered it in kisses, breathing heavily as he did so. The room was dark but for the faint glow of a bedside lamp. Loki began to walk them both towards it, before leaning down towards the bed. Thor was momentarily surprised. Their encounters were usual rough and ready, occasionally they could be classed as somewhere faintly leaning towards a shallow breath of romance but never really this. Certainly they'd never reached the bed before. Usually bracing the wall was the most comfortable it ever got.

Loki was the first to firmly press his lips to Thor's. The feeling felt so desperate. Frantic. Primal. Most of all, however, it felt tremendously good.

Because they never talked to each other afterwards, Thor had no idea what Loki got out of these sessions, apart from maybe feeling control over Thor. The smug satisfaction that his brother wasn't perfect. But surely there was something else. If anything, Loki was a showman. He'd want people to see Thor on his knees, not keep it to night time rendezvous. Thor paused briefly pondering the question and Loki's orb-like eyes settled on him, he could almost hear it. _Is there a problem brother?_ Though this time it wasn't a smug look. It was almost, dare he think it, a look of concern, of equal wonderment.

Thor just shook his head and rolled on top of Loki, flipping him over as he did so. He settled astride his back and ran his hands up and down slowly, from the nape of his neck down to the top crease of his buttocks, leaning forward, trying to maintain as much bodily contact as he could, without getting in the way of his work. Muffled groans of pleasure could be heard from Loki and Thor beamed inwardly. He leant down to his ear and whispered:

'You enjoy this as much as I do.'

Loki rolled over to face Thor.

'Having a little heart to heart are we now? I didn't think it was a case of enjoyment brother. I thought it was a case of convenience and escapism. To put it simply I don't want to face the fact I can never be the All-Father and you don't want to face the fact that you _will_ be.'

Thor stared open mouthed. Loki was suffering as much as he was, for similar reasons. Things had never changed; they'd only turned into different guises of the same thing.

'That's really not a good look for you Thor. You might want to close your mouth if you want to get back to it.'

Thor became silent and then he began to kiss Loki, holding him tightly between his arms. He wanted to forget. He just wanted this now. Then maybe he could think about his problems afterwards. Loki kissed him just as hard back, and grasped and stroked him in all of the places which he'd learnt that Thor liked.

They turned back and forth, in a playful manner as if one of them was trying to get the upper hand. To prove who was strongest internally, whose goals had the best contrast. Clothes flew across the room far and wide and the bed sheets became increasingly tangled, as their sweat and bodies intermingled. The kisses became more forceful, as they carried out their surreptitious deed.

Loki always finished first in near silence. Thor privately chuckled, of course the trickster would be the most efficient and considerate in the bedroom but he was also the most patient waiting for Thor's climax.

This night was no exception and Loki arose looking impressively innocent considering the fluid dripping from his lips. He'd been generous with Thor this evening. After all Thor had let Loki take him. They usually took turns, depending on who won their furtive foreplay match. Naturally Loki had won tonight. He'd just had to give one look at Thor. One, omniscient gaze, for Thor to cave in. Thor knew that tonight was going to be different. The night where they actually talked about it; that one look had confirmed it all.

Having hastily washed themselves clean, instead of implementing his usual task of slinking out, Thor lay down on the bed. Loki paused, as if wondering whether to join him or to maintain his presence standing. Not that he needed to make his presence known to Thor. Thor was dreadfully aware of him within a one mile radius. It took a few moments of internal battle before Loki caved and lay next to Thor.

'Not sneaking out like a thief in the night, this evening? Don't tell me you're getting _feelings _for me Thor? Are you going to tell me how amazing I was? How my beautiful pallor glows in the moonlight?'

'Stop jesting, Loki. You are the one who's fondling my hair.' Thor whispered.

Loki looked comically towards Thor's hair and then his hand and back to Thor's hair. He hadn't realised. He'd been doing it absentmindedly. He moved his hand away embarrassed.

'I didn't say you needed to stop.'

'Oh I bet you love the feeling of a man's hand in your hair. I bet it makes you feel like your dear Jane.' Loki snorted.

Thor was about to reprimand Loki for his comment before he realised that it was said with a tone of jealousy. Loki was jealous? Of course he was. Thor had everything Loki wanted. The ability to rule, love and popularity.

'I'm sorry Loki. I'm sorry it was me and not you. It should be you. I haven't earned any of this. You're more than capable.' Thor immediately felt Loki's hand playing absently with his hair again.

'I know. Thor. I know. But you earn it every day with your selflessness. That's why you feel the weight of everything- of everyone on your shoulders. I'm in it for purely selfish reasons, power, jealousy, hatred. I have no friends. You have so many because you're so appallingly nice. Sif will forgive you, you know.'

'I hadn't realised how observant you were. I hope so. You also definitely have one friend,' Thor grinned slyly at Loki.

'Oh I'm only particularly observant of my one friend. He's so dashing and courageous. I believe that friend is also my… lover?' Loki whispered, dramatically.

Soon they were both chuckling, elbowing each other in the ribs. Thor felt so much lighter getting everything out into the open. It was like the photograph in his mind was becoming more developed. Had more clarity and less hazy spots.

They both fell asleep that night with grins plastered on their faces.

'Thor! Loki! What in Valhalla is this?' Sif yelled the next morning.

Thor looked mortified but Loki maintained his composure.

'It's called knocking, Sif. You do it with your hand. On a door.' Loki stated.

'Oh haha! Do you think this is some sort of joke? This incest?' Sif yelled.

This caused resulted in awareness that both of them were completely uncovered and Thor hastily made a move to pull the duvet over both of their bodies. What would happen if Sif went to the others? Or told Odin?

'You could attempt to raise your voice higher, Sif. The palace guards might not have heard yet.' said Loki.

'I was worried about Thor! I went to his room and he wasn't there and he'd been so down yesterday and I'd acted like an imbecile and I thought he might be…' Sif's voice sounded on the edge of cracking.

'Dead?' interjected Loki, 'He's too stubborn for that.'

'I'm sorry Sif.' Thor got up ignoring Loki, firmly clasping the duvet around him. He embraced Sif in a strong hold. 'I'm scared about leading and I'm scared most of all about hurting you. We can talk later today. When I'm perhaps no so…compromised?'

Sif looked up.

'I wondered why you'd been distant. I hadn't realised you'd been keeping secrets. This must have been killing you. I swear on the All-Father that no one will know about this. It is not for me to judge. Truce?' She held out her hand, which Thor immediately grasped, he hadn't realised just how much worry had been brewed since he'd begun with 'the solution to his worries' with Loki.

Sif let out a small smile, before glaring at Loki and quickly exited the room. 'Speak to you later today, Thor'

'No problem Sif! You're welcome anytime!' Loki yelled behind her.

Thor chuckled, walking over and encompassing Loki.

'No more secrets? We'll talk now? Help each other? We can both get through this if we are open to one another's thoughts and feelings.'

'Indeed we can, Frigga.' Loki spluttered, the breath having been knocked out of him by Thor's tight embrace.

Thor was pleased. He wouldn't be happy for some time but the picture he was developing in his mind was clearer. Neither underexposed nor overexposed but somewhere in between. Not too far away from the perfect picture of Jane. All he needed was time and love. No distractions. Though if it so happened that he and Loki needed some alone time, who was he to complain?


End file.
